Always with the questions

I do not know if I am pregnant or not. This is a difficult place to be. By the time you are reading this post it will be several weeks old, but if I am pregnant we want to tell my family in person. Which we will be able to do next weekend, when we go home to see my brother on his mid-tour leave. So for that reason you will not be able to read this until I either know without a doubt that I am not pregnant, or I have had a chance to tell my family. But I guess for all of this to make sense I need to back up a little bit.

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I wrote that yesterday. You are reading this today. Guess what that means? I guess now I do need to tell you the whole story...

At the end of last March I wrote on this blog that Don-e and I were going to start trying to get pregnant. At that time it was more that we were no longer trying to not get pregnant. Or, we were playing soccer without a goalie as I heard it so eloquently put once. Then, the last day of July Don-e got sick. We never starting using birth control again, but our focus was turned to fixing our life and Don-e's health. But by about Halloween I had the itch again so I started paying closer attention to the calendar and making sure we were timing things right. In December we got pregnant but lost it barely two weeks into it. In January I went in and had some testing done. Everything came back normal. In the follow up appointment with my doctor after the testing she came to the conclusion that it is very likely that there was nothing wrong with our trying before Don-e got sick. Nothing happening in 4 months is considered normal, especially when coming off birth control. She does think that it is very likely that all of the medications that Don-e was given during his stay in the ICU could have caused him to have a tainted and poor sperm supply, thus causing our problem since then. Apparently the male reproductive system only regenerates every 72 days, so with that time frame Don-e would only now be regenerating a new supply since the last time he took the hard-core meds they had him on. She said we should try with ovulation testing for three months and then if nothing has happened we could discuss the possibility of more testing.

I got a positive pregnancy test on Monday. I have gotten two negatives and have started bleeding since then. It is clumpy and painful like the mis-carriage I had in December. I don't know what to think. I have always had very easy, painless cycles. Always started the same time of day, 28 days from the last time. Completely done in five days. Now, I do know that as they age some women have experienced a change in the normalcy of their cycles. Maybe mine are changing. Maybe that is what this month means. I know I was pregnant in December. This time I am not sure if I was, or we just got a faulty test. Right now I am waiting to hear back from our doctor. Hopefully she can shine some light on this mess.

Unsettled

I have come to realize, in these last few weeks of my 24th year, that I have always had a huge misconception of what life should be like. I have always thought that it should be normal, in the very sense of the word. But while whomever first started spreading this misconception was badly mistaken I am beginning to think that it could very well have been just some other person trying so hard, like me, to live a normal life. They, like me, just didn't realize that normal isn't possible. Now, I may be acting far more melodramatic than is necessary, but I am so ready for simple. Easy. Not boring, and never without good doses of love and passion of all kinds, but without chaos. Without drama and crisis. Without heartbreak and loss. But this does not seem to be a description that can be applied to our life. Please do not misconstrue my message here, we have had very happy times. I have never experienced joy like that which I have experienced since marrying Don-e, since becoming a mother, but it has never been normal.

Don-e is completely healed from the myocarditis. At this point there is no indication of any residual damage. His blood pressure is still slightly elevated and his cholesterol is on the high side but comparatively these are minor issues. He will be on blood pressure medication for awhile. He has to take more fish oil on a daily basis. More tests will be run to check the progression on his heart's reconstruction. But I am still not fully recovered from the emotional toll the episode took. We financially are not caught up. My over-all health was pushed to the bottom of the priority list and I am now having to deal with the repercussions of that.

We got pregnant in December. We lost the baby barely two weeks into it. They say it is called a chemical pregnancy. That is the classification of a pregnancy before it is visible on an ultrasound machine. After it is, it is referred to as a clinical pregnancy. After some testing it appears that I am completely healthy.

We have been trying since April. My doctor thinks that this is a result of some of the medications that they had Don-e on during his stint in the ICU. That at this point they should just about be out of his system and we should start aggressively trying. I guess we'll see, won't we.

My sister miscarried last week as well. It breaks my heart to even type that.

As I type all of this I am frustrated with myself. Frustrated that I am allowing any portion of these unsettling times to effect me. Because I know. I know that through Christ I can do all things. That He will never allow a burden I can not handle. But, oh, I am weak. My flesh is weak. I am finding comfort in that though. Because in my weakness HE is strong.

Snow vs. Powdered Sugar

It snowed here last night ya'll. As in white stuff, from the sky, that was still on the ground when I got up this morning. Crazy, huh? I took some pictures of it, but didn't get a chance to look at how they came out. Oh, and it is only 45 degrees here right now. Wind chill makes it 37. Have I mentioned that my Grandparents are on their way here, right now, to escape the coldness in Nevada?

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In other news, I thought I would show you some more pictures of the holiday cheer I have in my life right now. This one is not big, but it is at my office, and as this is where I spend a majority of my waking hours I needed a little something.


What do you think of my cubicle. Comfy, no? Eh, whatever. It works. I am like one of seven out of seventy that does not get an office, but who's counting? Not to mention that I am about as low on the food chain around here as you can get.

Oh and take a look at the break room here....
Just gaze at all of the temptation that I am having to overcome......




And there are still two more weeks until Christmas......

Oh.... Christmas Tree

We decorated our Christmas tree this past weekend, and in attempt to make this blog a bit more festive I thought I would show you a picture. We ended up buying a new tree this year, one that is a better size for our living room. Or more specifically one that is better suited to the ceilings in our living room. For those of you that have not yet been to our home, the ceiling in there slants to some ridiculous height of 400 feet or so. Last year we only had a 6 1/2 ft tree, that we put up on a table but that was more for the crawling little thing we had in our house.
Take a look at this one and let me know what you think. It is a 'themed' tree. Or, I guess more accurately a color-coordinated tree. Everything is either blue or silver or white. What do you think of these themed trees? Don-e grew up with themed trees, whereas I did not. Everything was free game for our trees. But most especially honored were all of the ornaments that we, as kids, made. There is were my concern comes in. What to do with everything that our kid(s) make? Any ideas? I love our tree, but I also love the look of good ol' fashion hodgepodge.

Amoxacillan

Elijah is on his first round of antibiotics, ever. Poor baby. He has a form of laryngitis and a sinus infection. The good news is he slept through the night last night, which was the first time in more than a week. I am hoping that a good nights sleep will go a long way to making him better faster. The form of laryngitis that he has is manifesting as a terrible cough but the doctor also gave us a really good cough medicine. I think that is what made the good sleep happen last night. For the past few nights he has been coughing so bad in his sleep that he will wake up throwing up. Pretty gross, and not a pleasant way to wake up, I'm sure. I just have to admit that I am very VERY glad he slept through the night, because I got to sleep through the night. I was turning into a zombie, only without the whole 'eating people' thing. Not to mention the heartburn I have had because of all the coffee!!!

On another note, I think I will be writing out the events of Don-e's heart thing, as the two of you that read this suggested. I don't keep a personal journal, at least not very well. That is what the point of this site is. A way to document our day to day lives. I also was to write the story of Elijah's birth. I started it shortly after he was born, but reliving it always kinda overwhelmed me. I am hoping that enough time has passed that I can get through writing it now!!

Oh, and also... Elijah said 'I love you' for the first time this weekend. And that sound, the one you are hearing right now... that is the sound of my heart bursting.