This Month

Last month I was pretty proud of myself for how well I handled the entire cycle and the ensuing disappointment that came from one more month that did not work. I was calm during the two weeks of waiting between ovulation and getting my period. Once we knew I took action and made an appointment to see the acupuncturists. I thought that I was going to experience a renewed sense of enthusiasm because we are doing something to help things along, but the only thing that I feel is terror.
And I realized on my drive to work this morning that I am terrified of both outcomes. I am terrified that next Thursday I will find that one more month has been wasted, that once again we didn't get pregnant. We did everything that we could to help the process along. I took the suggested pills and medicines, we were timed perfectly, we 'did it' like rabbits. So if it doesn't work we will have used up all of the tricks in our bag. There will be no more actions steps that I can take to feel useful and productive. That we will never have another baby. I will never again be given the gift of carrying my husbands child in my womb. Elijah will never get to have the amazing bond there is between siblings, the ones that both Don-e and I have relied on so often in our lives.

Seeing baby commercials on the television makes my heart hurt and my eyes tear.

And yet, I know I am also afraid of finding out that in the middle of next week that it did work. That I am pregnant. Because the fear of having that, and then losing it again is almost unbearable. Last summer a very good friend of mine miscarried in the end of her first trimester. I wept with her and then went home and looked at Elijah and wondered how anyone could stand it. I sit here and write this and still wonder that.

We lost our second child in December.

A friend of mine is due any minute and yet I feel such fear for them because I know that there is still a chance that they will not get to come home with a baby. It is not the same friend. They are still trying to conceive again.
And I am so mad that I feel this way. That I have these thought. There is nothing more natural than a man and a woman coming together to make new life, so why is it so hard for so many people? Why is it that something that is supposed to be so joyful is causing me so much pain?